First Day

Today was little dude’s first day of school today. After I dropped him off, I sat in the car and was overcome by an unexpected avalanche of tears. So much worry, so much trust. Will they treat him well? Will he be scared? Will he feel abandoned? Will anyone play with him?

Before he was ours, a year felt like a long time, like for sure we'd have it all figured out by the time he'd been home an entire year. Now, it feels like an instant. Just beginning to uncover his layers, to put salve on the trauma of his early life. And I don't know if I'm sending him off too soon, if he understands I'm still his forever even when I walk out that door. If I've loved him well enough already that it's okay to leave him in someone else's (very capable) hands for a bit. Or if I'm risking hurting him more, fracturing the already tender relationship we've fought hard for -- forged with tears and trials and forgiveness and faith.

Walking away from my non-verbal, not to mention totally vulnerable, child (a child who spent almost three years alone without any idea what it meant to be worthy of love, almost three years in what I call a life coma -- existing but not really living - and is just now finally, finally starting to peek out from under the protective shell he built to simply survive) well, walking away from that child broke me a little.

How do you ever know if it's the right thing? The tension between giving him opportunity to grow while ensuring his basic needs are met -- needs we don't even always know exist, wounds so deep he couldn't explain them even if he was able to speak.

I cried again when I picked him up-- another teacher saw me first and said she saw him in the lunch room and he was doing great. And for a second time, the tears surprised me. Overcame me in the moment and I was caught off guard, embarrassed at my emotion. I'm not one for a public meltdown.

But relief just flooded over me, and I could finally let out the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding all day. He's okay. He was okay. And his teacher met me, warm and smiling, and said he had a fantastic first day, better than she even anticipated. Thank you Jesus.

Still not sure about all of this, if it's what he needs or what I need or really what anybody needs lately. But today, today he had a good day. And that's enough.