the right to hold you
In 2015, our family welcomed our third child to the chaos through the emotional and complex reality of adoption. Our son was almost three when he became part of our family, and I blogged about the experience for a little over a year. This section of my website contains the archives of that blog, which I called “the right to hold you.” If I wrote about adoption today, my words probably wouldn’t mirror what I wrote in 2014/15, but I’ve left them as originally authored for authenticity. Our little guy has been with us for over 6 years, and if I write about him today, it’s likely to be in the context of parenting a child with disabilities.
Birthparents
It is such a beautiful moment. Then someone took a sledgehammer to her moment, and it shattered into a million pieces. I don’t feel angry when I think about his first mama, I feel compassion. Bucketfuls. And heartache.
Where We're At: November 21, 2014
The worst part -- reading the line on report after report, “Nobody has visited the child.” It wrecked me a little bit to think about him all alone. He went to live at the orphanage when he was four days old, and I picture my own teeny tiny four-day-olds, and my heart breaks for baby Boo. It’s such a double-edged sword though, because his lack of visitors actually makes it easier for an international adoption.
Happy Birthday Sissy!
You have a front-row seat to the very worst parts of me. You get the impatience, short-temper, harsh words and lack of grace. Isn’t it funny how we expose our most ugly selves to the people we love the absolute most? And it's strangers that get all our gentleness, patience and smiles.
Accepted, not asked.
It’s hard to prepare for something you know will be hard, but aren’t exactly sure what that hard will feel like. It’s like giving birth the first time. Or becoming a mother for the first time. Or, you know, #life, in general. You don’t even know what you don’t know yet. And yet, you do it anyway. You weigh the cost and you make a choice to embrace (or at least tolerate) the pain. Why? Because of all the beauty that follows. And when a mother cries out in the pain of childbirth, we don’t smugly look in her panic-filled eyes and say, “Well, you asked for this.”
Keep Singing
I just love this message. Keep singing. Keep singing! Because it says so many things all at once. It says, for one, SOMEONE HEARS YOU. You are not alone. You are not unworthy. You are not unloved. It not only says keep singing, but it says keep fighting, keep hoping, keep trusting. Someone is coming. You are seen. You are heard. You are known. What a powerful thing to believe.
Did you know it's not about me?
As God blessed the Israelites, they began to feel entitled to those blessings. That somehow they had earned it. They deserved it. And they start worshipping themselves. And so God shows them what they actually deserve (nothing), and they go back to worshipping God for awhile. And that cycle repeats a few times over.
Where We're At: September 10, 2014
“Did you ever want to give up?” Little Fox asked. “Sometimes,” Mama said, rubbing Little Fox’s cheek with hers. “But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we’d fit perfectly together.”
Adoption Arguments: Do we REALLY need a blog?
And for me, that’s such a common temptation. To take something that is supposed to be about God and make it about me. Subtly, slowly, subconsciously. Accidentally and intentionally all at the same time. It’s the war within described so poignantly in Romans 7. So, my friends, what on earth does all this have to do with an adoption blog? Ha ha, good question.
Drowning in Expectations
My nerves are shot and my heart is raw and I’ve been spending some time trying to figure out why this has all been so hard. And I think what it all boils down to is that I’m letting myself be significantly influenced by other people’s expectations. And the funny thing is, I’m not ever exactly sure what these “other people’s expectations” are.
Happy Birthday Boo!
Happiest of birthdays to you, my love. I am so sorry I am not there to scoop you up and kiss your sweet face, singing softly in your ear and asking for birthday wishes. Today you are TWO. For two rotations around the sun you have lived and breathed and made the world more beautiful.