the right to hold you
In 2015, our family welcomed our third child to the chaos through the emotional and complex reality of adoption. Our son was almost three when he became part of our family, and I blogged about the experience for a little over a year. This section of my website contains the archives of that blog, which I called “the right to hold you.” If I wrote about adoption today, my words probably wouldn’t mirror what I wrote in 2014/15, but I’ve left them as originally authored for authenticity. Our little guy has been with us for over 6 years, and if I write about him today, it’s likely to be in the context of parenting a child with disabilities.
Fake it 'til you make it...
I’m a processor – I have a deep need to understand WHY I feel how I do, where it comes from, and what I can do to make it better. And as I struggled through the trials of being a first-time mama, I often asked myself, “Did I secretly think this was going to be easy?” But guys, the answer is no. The answer is worse. I didn’t think it would be easy, I thought I would be better at it.
Mama's gotcha baby!
This, my friends, is what redemption looks like. Forgotten becomes rejoiced over. Abandoned becomes sought out. Discarded becomes fought for. Despair becomes hope. Broken becomes loved. Darkness becomes light. Death becomes life. An orphan becomes a son and brother.
Feelings, nothing more than feelings. . .
There is so much unknown in this trip, and I honestly struggle a lot with not having control. I’m not sure how Boo will feel about us, how deep his grief will be over losing his home, his language, his caretakers. I’m not sure how or if he will eat and sleep once he's with me. Or if the clothes I bring will fit. Or anything really.
Where We're At: January 19, 2015
So what does that mean for us? Well, now my Type-A, slightly OCD, crazy mode has started to set in. There are a decent amount of logistical arrangements that need to be made, a pretty decent chunk of money that still needs to be paid, and a billion things to look up on the internet. As my mind swirls with all of the things I need to make happen and I try to Google away the panic, I can’t help thinking, “Why on earth didn’t I look this up before?” And, oh yeah, I still haven’t finished that one really important book. Ummm, or that other one actually. Aaaaaaaaah!
Where We're At: September 10, 2014
“Did you ever want to give up?” Little Fox asked. “Sometimes,” Mama said, rubbing Little Fox’s cheek with hers. “But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we’d fit perfectly together.”
Adoption Arguments: Do we REALLY need a blog?
And for me, that’s such a common temptation. To take something that is supposed to be about God and make it about me. Subtly, slowly, subconsciously. Accidentally and intentionally all at the same time. It’s the war within described so poignantly in Romans 7. So, my friends, what on earth does all this have to do with an adoption blog? Ha ha, good question.
What's your (little) man got to do with me?
But I think there are lots of ways to do something helpful. Doing nothing is never helpful, and ignoring the problem doesn’t make it cease to exist. At the same time, it can be hard to get on handle on what ONE person could possibly do. Hopefully, these ideas give some direction. I’m sure there are a million more out there!
Where We're At: April 18, 2014
And we’ve been learning a lot through some online training, as well as a couple of great books we have started. I am definitely starting to feel like we are going into this with our eyes wide open now. Not that I was naively idealistic before, but I just didn’t know or even think about so many of the issues we are learning about. I’m so thankful for the knowledge, and it’s helping me be a better Mama to my beautiful babes home now.
FAQs: The Head
We are scared. We don’t have any first-hand experience with special needs, and I’m not sure what we are capable of handling. But I’ll tell ya what – my heart is being changed and stretched and molded by the minute. Every second of this process is growing me, and I am WAY less scared of that aspect than before.